Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
