I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
