A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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