Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize