I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
