Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
