Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
