The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
