im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
