I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
