Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
