im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
