I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
