i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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