Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
