just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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