he thought i was a dude.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
