I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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