she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We're too hungover to prance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
