she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
