I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
