Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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