the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize