make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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