Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
