Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
