Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
