my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
