I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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