I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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