my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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