I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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