When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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