if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Randomize
