My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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