Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
