Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
