then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
