i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Green mimosas i think yes
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
