I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
