Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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