I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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