he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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