I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
