guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
