1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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