and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
