Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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