just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
