and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
