I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
