Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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