She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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