i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
