Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
