Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
