Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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