and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize