I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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