He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
