I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
