im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
how does that bad decision feel?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
